relationships

Love, Validation, Acceptance, Success

Posted on by aelizabethfed

Lets discuss our needs and how they’re met, a blog inspired by my church small group last night.

What are our basic needs? What do we need to have, or we’ll die? Easy. Food, water, shelter, clothing. I assume anyone with a wordpress blog is not having trouble meeting those basic needs, whether on a small or extravagant sale. Things get tight sometimes, interesting things pass for food on a tight budget, but we all have these basic needs.

What else do we need? What else do we, as citizens of this earth and humans, feel like we need? A short list:

1. Love

2. Validation

3. Acceptance

4. Success

I would say those are four big needs that we, especially adults, feel we need. And how do we go about getting those? My small group discussed it last night.

First of all, it’s perfectly normal, fine and acceptable to have these needs. We were given them by God when He made us humans, and He had a purpose for giving us these specific needs – I’ll get to that soon.

How do we find love? Most would say first, it’s from your parents. A lot of us find our first love from our parents. I know I did. Their love nurtured me and cared for me when I was little, and in many ways shaped me into the woman I am today. However, some aren’t so lucky. A friend last night told the story of a young woman who had never had parents who loved her, who had been forced home to home, and as she got older began looking for love in relationships with men – lots of men.

Did it meet her needs? Yes. For a time, her needs were met. Was she fulfilled and happy? Was she really finding that paternal love she was looking for? No.

How do we find validation? We want to be affirmed. We want someone to tell us we’re good at what we do, we’re worth while, we’re something. I personally go after this a lot from my friends. I never feel more validated than when someone is laughing at me because I want them to be. I love it when people tell me I’m funny, when they say I crack them up, when they tell other people how hilarious I am. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever known to make someone laugh until there are tears in their eyes. I feel important, like I’m fulfilling a purpose.

Other people seek this at their jobs from their boss, or from their significant other, friends, peers, etc. Is it okay to seek validation from these people?

In part.

How do we find acceptance? Nowadays, more than ever, it’s by following trends – or being ahead of them. (Following them ironically, maybe). I feel accepted when my friends compliment my outfit, or my glasses, or say my hair looks perfectly and purposefully disheveled. We find acceptance by going with the flow, by being one of a many of this world.

The small group I go to includes a lot of high schoolers. How did I find acceptance in high school? I wasn’t part of the cool crowd, but did a part of me want to be?

Yes. Behind every hipster going against the mainstream, there’s probably a kid who wanted to be hip in high school. (Get it?) I was no exception. Looking back, I’m glad I was who I was, and I’m glad I found my acceptance in a smaller but (if I do say so) better group of friends.

How do we find success? This, I think, depends on your age. If you’re in high school or college, it’s probably strongly based on grads and how many extra curricular activities you participate in.

Maybe it’s based on how attractive and smart your significant other is, or how nice your clothes are, how many friends you have or what kind of car you drive.

For adults, it’s often or always about the job. I can’t tell you how highly I’ve been praised for finding a good, full-time job right out of college. And it makes me feel good to get that praise – and I worked hard. It was a success, getting my job. Excelling at it and moving up the ladder will be even more success.

Is it enough? 

The short answer is… no. You will never have enough friends, enough love from earthly men or women, the best clothes, be the best at your job, have the most of everything. Someone is always better, someone always has more, you will never be the best – never.

Here is what I propose:

Do not search for love, acceptance, validation and success in earthly things. You will never be completely satisfied, wholly fulfilled. That is a guarantee that I will stamp and deliver to you, personally.

You know where I’m going to say you can find it. You can find all of these things and EVERY OTHER NEED YOU CAN THINK OF in Jesus Christ.

Why?

He created you – He created you because He wanted you, love and accepted you before you were YOU. Why does this matter? He’s perfect, almighty, all-knowing, wonderful. The most perfect being in existence loves you in the second you read this more than anyone else will love you in your lifetime – seek Him, run after Him, and find the fulfillment of love and acceptance.

My validation comes from the cross. This perfect being who loves me an unfathomable amount suffered torture and death on the cross FOR ME, with my name in His heart and on His mind, because He would rather bear the brunt of suffering than see me do it. I AM VALIDATED. I am someone. I am something.

What is my success? Pleasing my God. How do I do it? It’s easy, and don’t let anyone tell you different. I please Him by acknowledging Him in my daily life, in my actions. By taking a moment to think – how can I be more Christlike? before I act and speak. I please Him by spending quiet time with him, not just praying and reading His word, but listening to what H’e saying in return. I please Him the most by telling other people about Him and His great love and good news.

This is such a small overview of God’s amazing love and everything He gives to you when you surrender to Him. It would take me  years to write down all He has done for me. As John says in the gospel:

And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that should be written. -John 21:25

If you are not finding fulfillment, happiness, validation, success, or anything else you feel like you are needing and lacking – turn to God. If you aren’t sure how to do that, let me help. I’m always wary of putting personal information on the internet, but if one person reads this and has more questions about God that they don’t know where to go to for answers and I can help, I feel it’s my duty to do so.

E-mail me. It’s personal, between us. anna.fedoris@gmail.com Let me help, and be sure I will never judge you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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Self-Confidence (Issues)

Posted on by aelizabethfed

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Now you may not be able to tell it from the fact that in the above photo, I willingly saddled up on a large frog at the zoo and made that stupid face and gave that dumb thumbs up and then used this as my Facebook profile picture for months, but I suffer from a crippling lack of self-confidence.

I mean crippling, and I mean inwardly. You would probably never know it upon meeting with me. I’m not the girl who sits around complaining about how she looks. I’m the girl that, when all the other girls are nit-picking themselves, jokingly says something like, “Well I’m flawless and gorgeous all the time, no matter what, so I don’t really have anything to add” to ease the tension – but that’s only because I don’t want to discuss my flaws and my negative ideas of myself.

The list is too long, too overwhelming, and I don’t want to bog other people down or bore them with these issues. I never talk about it. I would be willing to bet most people think I find myself attractive. And they wouldn’t be all that wrong. I do think I’m a lovely young woman.

In fact, what prompted this blog was a long look I took at myself in the mirror just a little while ago – and I tried to list all the things I like about myself; sort of gave myself a peptalk.

“Anna, you are a lovely young woman. Your hair is soft and shiny and you’ve done so good, letting it grow to be so long when you usually cut it! You have big eyes that are a nice shade of blue or gray or whatever they are. People compliment your eyes and hair more than anything else! Hey, look at that neck, nice and sturdy, holding your noggin’ up! Go, head! Oh, and those hands — you haven’t bitten or cut your nails in weeks and they look nice! Your skin is pretty, and your freckles add character.”

But if that inner monologue was the opposite, completely negative, I could go on for ten pages and I could make myself cry – no, sob. And it all has to do with my weight.

I have never been a very thin girl. When I was younger I was thiner, but I’ve always been a little bigger. On top of that, I have a very sizeable chest. I might be, currently, at my lifetime biggest. (See above photo, which was taken not long ago).

I do try to be healthy. I try to eat right and get some exercise every day, and that’s a change I’ve made in the past few years, and it’s something I’m slowly integrating into my life. But what I haven’t been adding to my daily routine is self-confidence and self-love. I think far too much about my weight and my appearance and I put too much weight (pun intended) on my outer-worth instead of my inner.

So that’s something I really need to change, and there are a few ways I’m going to do this.

1. Be healthy – to FEEL healthy. I have a condition call pseudotumor cerebri (google it), and basically there is extra fluid in my brain that makes my optic nerves swell. The first way to treat it is loose weight, which I’ve been trying. I want to get healthy for this reason more than anything else. And that really comes down to small choices throughout the day. Talking a walk after work instead of sitting down because I’m tired, keeping better snacks in my office, no cream cheese on my bagel in the morning… Small things that will build up to change my entire health-outlook, and I will FEEL better, no matter how I LOOK.

2. STOP TELLING MYSELF I AM SINGLE BECAUSE I AM UNATTRACTIVE. First of all, I’m not unattractive. I’m a nice-looking young lady. Someday someone is going to notice that but further more, they’re going to look at my super-hot brain and fall in love with that. And that brain is going to last a lot longer than this body.

3. Find my identity and worth in Christ, and not in my appearance. I won’t say anything cheesy like “I am made in His image”, because that’s an excuse people use to never exercise and eat whatever they want. God gave us these bodies to go and do His work, and we need to treat them like the gift they are. What I will say is that when I worry so much about what I look like, I’m mostly worrying about what other people think of me. That simply doesn’t matter, and that is the way of this world. God does not look at my outward appearance, but my heart. If I spent as much time worrying about my heart as I do about my flabby stomach or thighs, I would be doing SO MUCH MORE awesome work for God while I’m here on earth. That’s a change worth making.

It’s not as simple as I’m making it seem and I know that. I think my last step, number four, is to tell someone my concerns. I need to tell my best friend that most days, I believe I’m single because of how I look, if for nothing else but to have her tell me that isn’t the truth at all (not because I am a foxy mama, but because the right guy will not care) – sometimes, it’s easier to believe other people than it is to believe yourself.

I know self-confidence is a long journey. Any woman with an awesome opinion about herself will tell you that it takes forever and it isn’t a constant thing, but I do believe that firmly placing myself in Christ’s identity and looking at myself through His eyes and through His plan for me is the best and surest place to start.

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I’m many things, single is just one of them.

Posted on by aelizabethfed

I’m from Iowa and around here, we young Christians get married, and we do it fast. My best friend got married three years ago when she was nineteen. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice already, before the age of twenty one.

I can’t tell you how many good-looking Christian guys I’ve scoped from far away to find out nope, some lucky lady already snagged him. There are weddings every weekend. Every day, facebook lets me know who is engaged, who is newly married, and who has their first kid.

So yeah, I know that I’m single. The world constantly tells me. My friends are constantly trying to set me up (and hey, I’m not opposed to it, but nine times out of ten, it just isn’t a good prospect), and the world is constantly telling me it’s okay to be single all while looking at me and wondering why I don’t have a man.

Well, I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not ready, maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he’s a doctor helping out underprivileged families in Africa and we won’t meet until he comes back state side. I just don’t know (though I’m pretty sure it’s that last one, to be honest).

But I’m not worried about it. It would be nice to find a husband, but is that my only goal in life?

NO.

Should it be anyone’s only goal in life?

NOPE.

My point here is, don’t treat Christian men and women of any age (especially a tender, young age like 22) like they must be waiting around for ‘the one’. Maybe the one isn’t out there. Maybe God is the only one you’re going to get (He’s the best one, after all). Maybe your life will be entirely fulfilling and wonderful and you’ll never get married. Maybe you’ll adopt five kids on your own and be the most SPECTACULAR parent that’s ever lived and you’ll dedicate those children to Jesus right out the gate and wonder how you could have ever considered waiting for a spouse to raise children with when you’re so capable of loving and caring for them on your own.

Maybe you’ll never have kids or a spouse at all. Paul seemed pretty stoked about it, didn’t he? I can tell you that I look up to Paul more than almost anyone else (aside from Jesus Himself) and Paul even spoke against marriage.

That isn’t the message we’re getting today. Constantly I’m asked about my relationship status, more than anything else. People ask me if I’m dating anyone more than they ask about my job, my family, my friends, my spiritual life… it could so easily lead anyone to believe, therefore, that finding that special someone is the most important thing you can do with your life.

It is not!

God made men and women for each other but above that, He made us to serve and love Him–and that’s what I’m going to do, whether it’s my husband at my side or all my wonderful friends and family.

So please, next time you speak with a single young person, ask them how their day is going, how their education or job is treating them, how their family is, what they’re reading or what TV show they’re hooked on, how their spiritual life is progressing–if they want to talk about their love life (and often, I do!), they’ll bring it up to you. If they want to be set up so badly, they’ll ask if you know anyone.

They’ve got a lot going on and most of it has nothing to do with finding a spouse. ASK THEM ABOUT IT. Ask us about it!

And for heaven’s sake, don’t tell them that singleness is a gift from God. We know, trust me… we know.