3 Things I Learned in my 23rd Year of Life

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I made a similar post when I turned 23. I’ve turned 24 now and so naturally, I’m an entire year wiser. Wow, what wisdom.

Being honest, I do think I actually grew as a person this year. I was dealt some hard lessons, and while it’s usually better to learn lessons the hard way, maybe a person or two can glance over this and learn my hard lessons second hand. So take notes or something – this could be profound.

1) I felt a new kind of pain that I had never felt this year. My grandmother passed away on August 24th, and it was unimaginably horrible. I’d never had someone close to me die, and it happened suddenly and quickly. In the hospital for a few weeks, right to hospice, and a week later she was gone.

There was not a major event in my life that this woman was not a part of. She taught me so many things – most notably, how to put others before yourself consistently, and how to make perfect scrambled eggs. Losing her was hard, and it still is hard. If I think about it for too long, it’s still painful. Just the other night I realized for the first time that she won’t see me get married. She wanted to be there for things like that so badly, and it kills me that she physically won’t be.

I learned something from this. I learned how important it is to treasure things while they’re happening in front of you; how important it is to live here and now. I learned to lean on your family, and to let your family lean on you. I learned that seeing my brother cry is still, without a doubt, the worst thing on earth, and I learned how smart and strong that brother of mine is.

I learned that God is just and merciful in ways I never knew, and I appreciated the 23 years He gave me with her even more after she was gone.

2) I stepped outside of my comfort zone this year – in a big way. In September, what seemed like seconds after the whirlwind of my grandmother passing, I got on a plane to take a week-long trip to Vietnam with my best friends.

I pushed myself in ways I hadn’t before, physically, mentally and emotionally. It was hot, I was sick, and we were doing some seriously athletic activities that I’m just not designed for, but I did them, and I felt prouder of myself than I ever had.

I learned that if I just try, I can literally do anything I put my mind to. I learned that trying new things is essential to happiness and a real human experience here on earth. I learned that leaning on God in terrifying times gives you the ability to later look back and wonder why you were ever even worried at all.

3) I struggled this year, with a lot of things. Just normal human struggles. Budgeting my money, being content where I am, being impatient with the path my life was going. I gained a new best friend this year, and lost touch with a couple others. There were consistencies, there were highs, and there were lows.

Basically, just like any other year, it had its ups and downs. I’m not always happy, I’m not always bold, and I’m not always courageous. Sometimes I take the easy road, the low road, when I should do what’s best for others. There are a lot of aspects of myself that I need to work on, but that’s not what I want to take away from 23.

I want to go into 24 proud of myself, happy with who I am, and looking forward to the changes that this year has taught me I’m more than capable of making. I want to improve myself, because the better I am, the more help I’ll be to others.

That’s what’s really important to me. 24 needs to be the year where I put myself aside, and pick others up. Whatever it takes. Wherever God leads me this year, I’m going to willingly and unquestioningly follow. I will lean on His understanding and not my own.

That’s all I need to make 24 great.

My 2015 Resolution

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The only thing I want out of 2015 is to be more courageous. To be less hesitant about new adventures, not as nervous around new people, and more open to things I’ve never tried before.

I made some strides in this area this year. I flew all the way to Vietnam (where I jumped off a cliff, scaled down a couple others, waded through murderous rapids, took a 70k bike ride, AND slept in a backpackers’ hotel after I’d seen a roach on the wall), I started verbalizing things that make me uncomfortable and things that make me happy, and I began to come to terms with simply being proud of who I am.

I’ve still got a ways to go. I’ll never be completely fearless. I’m a nervous person. I’m scared of a lot of things. I wouldn’t call myself a coward, but I’m not a hero, either.

I want my life to be full of adventures. Adventures don’t happen when you’re at your safest and most comfortable.

2015 will be one massive adventure for me, with God’s help, and I hope for you, too.

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Things My Father Taught Me

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Some of these I’m still working on, just as I’m sure he was at my age. I’m not perfect, but sometimes I think he’s a lot closer than I am.

My dad is the smartest guy I know. I think a lot of kids say that, but probably by the time they’re adults, they don’t really believe that anymore. I still do. He is still the smartest guy I know. Word games with my Dad? Unbearable. He can solve a crossword quicker than any man on the planet (probably) and historical trivia? Forget it. He’s won before we’ve started.

The judgment in his eyes when I don’t remember some fact about World War II is almost too much to bear, but also, really helps me learn because I do not want to see the judgment on his face when I forget the fact twice.

You wouldn’t, either, if you could see it.

He’s just smart. He’s wise, maybe, and maybe he’s been trying to pass some of that down to me. Or maybe it just kind of happened.

Since father’s day was yesterday, I thought I’d compile a short list of the best things my father has taught me.

1. Work hard, no matter what you’re doing. Don’t give a weak effort. Don’t give up. My dad hasn’t gone a day in his life without working hard, without caring and trying at what he’s doing. He’s had the same job since his early 20s, and he’s worked so hard and done so well that he’s constantly moved up the ladder. I want to be like that. I want to try. I want to work hard and give it my all without asking for things in return, no matter what I’m working at.

2. Be humble. Don’t do things for attention from other people. Don’t do things to show off. Do them because it’s right, do them because it’s for someone else, and do it quietly and without asking for a thanks in return. Don’t even mention that you’ve done it. This is my dad on a daily basis. I probably don’t know half of the things he’s done for other people just because they asked, or even when they haven’t, because it’s right and it benefits the other person. He just does it. I don’t know if he even thinks about it anymore; it’s just who he is – it’s just important to be selfless and caring.

3. God is real, God is important – go to church. We went to church every Sunday growing up, and we still do. Missing church is frowned upon, and so is wearing athletic shorts and flip flops (maybe it’s wrong, but my father and I get a kick out of wrinkling our brows and shaking our heads at improperly dressed kids and their parents who allow them to dress that way Sunday mornings). God is to be respected and honored. Shake the priests hand on your way out. Bow your head when you’re supposed to, stand up when you’re supposed to, follow along, sing along, be respectful and quiet. This is the foundation of my faith in Christ, that bore the relationship I now have with him, because my household has always had a strong, God-fearing man at its head.

4. It really, honestly, seriously does not matter at all what other people think of you. Don’t worry about it, don’t live your life or make decisions based on it, don’t think about it at all. Those people don’t matter. You matter. God matters. We don’t care what other people think. We’re not them. We’re not in their heads, thinking those thoughts; if they’re spending their time thinking about us negatively, then that’s honestly their problem, never ours.

I’m not 100% like my dad. I’ve got some of my mom’s finer qualities inside of me, but I’m more like my father than anyone else. We rarely disagree with our opinions, we laugh at the same things, and we care about a lot of the same things. I’m really proud of that. I’m proud to be like my father. He’s just a really solid guy.

So thanks, Big Man. I owe you one.

Separating the Sinner from their Sin

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Sorry I’m the most inconsistent blogger in the world, to the maybe two or three people who read this blog.

Today something happened that reminded me of the importance of passing on passing judgment, and the even higher importance of not viewing someone in terms of their sin.

The main point of what follows is that we are all, when it comes right down to it, sinners. All equally. You as much as anyone you see on a daily basis. While we on earth, as humans, may view one sin as worse than another (a white lie vs. murder), the truth is that God does not view it that way.

I wish I could find the illustration, but I can’t (because I haven’t looked, okay? Do your own looking). It was an image of a skyline, like in New York or Chicago. All these skyscrapers, all different heights and designs. From the side, they’re all so different, all distinguishable from each other. One is 50 stories and one is only 2 – you can see their differences, point them out, verbalize them.

This is man’s view of sin. We see the differences. We judge them this way. This one is worse, this one is excusable (as if we have the ability to excuse sin!)

Bring the camera up and snap an image from far away, looking down on the buildings. All you see is the tops. Cement squares. One after another. The same color, barely different from one another.

This is God’s view of sin. They are all equal, they are all the same. This is how He sees things. This is hard for us to understand because of course, we are not God. We are not like God. We strive to be deserving of His unfailing love, but we fall so short all the time (grace, friends – this is why grace is so important, and why it’s so wonderful that our God is so full of it!)

The fact remains, however, that we are not God. We are imperfect, we are flawed, and one of our worst flaws is judgment. This varies from looking at a girl and thinking her skirt is too short to condemning a man who cheated on his wife countless times and obviously does not value relationships. We cannot judge either of these people, and we should not; yet we do, and we judge them differently, one much more harshly than the other, depending on who you are.

So why do humans have such a predisposition towards judgment? Maybe we’re meant to be looking harshly at something else. That man who cheated on his wife is no different from you. You’ve been tempted by sin, as well. The difference is, he has succumbed to it, and maybe you didn’t. Not that one time, anyway, but there are countless other times when you did. (Think of gluttony – do you even consider that a sin? One that you ever feel guilty for?)

So look harshly at the sin. Condemn the act, but forgive the man. He is not his sin. He is a cherished child of God, no different from you. God loves the murderer, during his sinful acts, as much as He loves you while you stand in church praising Him, or serve the poor so that they might come to know Christ through you.

Do not meet someone and look at their sorted past, everything they’ve ever done wrong, every way they’ve defied God, and only view them in those terms. Look at all the mistakes they’ve made as times they learned and grew closer to their savior, and all the times our loving God forgave them.

God does not hold grudges. God does not withhold love. That’s us. That’s entirely a human thing. And things that are entirely of and from man, I’ve found, aren’t always the greatest.

Human judgment, I’ve found, is rarely righteous. In fact, never – because we do not have a right to do it. That’s expressly in the Bible. Everyone knows that.

“You’re judging someone!”

“But-”

“It says not to do that! It’s in the Bible!”

“I know, but…”

And we continue. We always continue.

Do you want to know my favorite thing about Pope Francis? When asked what he thought of gay marriage he neither confirmed or denied if it was right, rather he said he loves everyone. He did not condemn anyone. He did not judge anyone. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” – a direct quote (which I found in the Huffington Post).

And he’s right. We get so caught up in these sins that are more interesting to report on, sins that make a good story in the media, and we forget that we’re judging. Isn’t judging a sin? Isn’t it a sin like the sins we’re judging? Aren’t we just going in circles?

Here’s what I took away from something that happened to me recently: You are Christ’s hands, feet and heart while you are on this earth. That doesn’t mean you avoid sinners who ‘sin bigger’ than you, and it doesn’t mean you judge anyone – ever. It means love.

Above all else, acting as Christ means showing love, so you can bright other believers to the kingdom with you. That’s what it’s all about. Stop judging, start loving, and you’ll be a better, happier person – I promise!

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Why Comparing Yourself to Others is Basically a Disaster, or, Why You Should Be Yourself

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I find that most of my sadness in life comes when I decide that I must compare myself to others. To anyone, really. To my friends and my family, to my role models, to famous musicians and actresses, to people I’ve never met or people I spend tons of time with.

This is an inadequate way of measuring yourself, and the quickest way to be completely dissatisfied with your life, no matter who you are or what you’re doing. Here’s three easy reasons why.

1) Someone is always doing better than you.

Someone always has more money. Someone is always smarter, more clever, funnier. Someone is always a better writer or poet. Someone else always discovered that awesome new band first. Someone is always on top. It is never going to be you.

Does that mean you should give up – stop working so hard, stop learning, stop trying to make your friends laugh, stop discovering new music you like or writing because it makes you happy?

No. And everyone realizes it would be dumb to stop doing things because someone else is better at it – so isn’t it dumb to compare yourself to others and judge yourself that way? If you’re good at what you’re doing (or even if you aren’t, and you just enjoy doing it anyway) then keep doing it for you, and for no one else.

2) They are not you.

They were not raised with the same opportunities and goals as you. You did not live their life and they did not live yours. You will never look like them, act like them, sound like them.

So instead of trying to be like someone else, try to be the best you that you can possibly be. Do it for you. Set goals that make you happy and work to reach them. Enjoy being with yourself, and being who you are.

You are never going to be them. You can be like them… but then there’s just two of them, and one who isn’t as good as the other. So don’t be a second-best someone else, be a best you. It’s lame to be anything else.

3) You were not made to be like anyone else, and it is not right to serve earthly people by trying to conform to their standards.

You are called to a higher standard. You were placed where you are by God, for His purpose and not your own. If someone else’s path makes you feel bad, if it seems more exciting, daring or fun, remember that God has put you on this path that you are currently on to serve His kingdom – nothing is better than that.

If you are dissatisfied with your life, there are two things you can do to fix that:

1 – Find your satisfaction in God, and not in things of this world. The creator of the universe, the One who placed all the stars in the sky and who crafted you by hand, loves you, cares for you, understands you. If that doesn’t brighten your day and give you a fresh perspective, think on it longer. Open the Bible. Read of Jesus’ coming to this earth. Read of His death on the cross with the knowledge that He did it purely out of love for you, out of a desire to spend eternity with you. The most perfect being on earth wants to be with you forever. Think on that, I beg you.

2 – Make changes. Unsatisfied with your health? Take small steps to change it. Want to travel and see wonderful things? Begin tucking away money now to meet your goal.  A dissatisfaction with life comes because we want to be happy now, we want our goals met tomorrow, and we don’t want to work towards them. Set goals. Work hard. Know that it may take some time, but you can serve God every step of the way.

The only person who can change your life is you. The only person you should be comparing yourself to is Christ. If you ask me, that’s how you achieve happiness and satisfaction with your life. Stop looking at other people and wondering why you’re not like them.

It’s because you’re NOT them, and you never will be, and that’s wonderful.

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Spirit, Lead me.

Posted on by aelizabethfed

Father, I spend so much of my time reading your Word and learning about You in church, trying to grow closer to you, but how often do I tell You how absolutely wonderful You are?

Telling You I love You simply isn’t enough. Calling you Brilliant Maker, Beautiful Creator, Faithful Father – that isn’t ENOUGH. How do I relay my complete and total devotion to You? How do I prove my love in words, because words are what I know best?

Words aren’t enough, but they’re what I have. I want to turn my life over to You. I want to follow you to the ends of the earth and I want to invite You in here, where I am. I desire such a nearness with You, like I cannot dream to achieve with anyone else. I’m desperately searching for a powerful, healing, pardoning love like only You can provide me.

That’s enough about me. Father, I am merely a human, and not blessed with the capacity to aptly describe You as You are. The smartest woman on earth could not really capture it in words. You are a feeling that starts in my heart, a pounding, warm feeling that spreads to my fingertips and toes and whispers, “I am Yours, You are mine,” and I feel a complete secureness in our relationship that I will never feel with anyone else.

Father, you are so wonderful and merciful. Seeing your sinful creation, You wrapped yourself in skin and came to suffer in a way that I will never know, to die shamelessly upon a cross, and to rise again from death in all your beauty and glory. Father, all the power is Yours. All the knowledge is Yours. Everything that is – it is Yours. Nothing belongs to me, but You. You are mine, Father, and I give myself entirely to You as Your faithful servant and Your beloved child.

You will never turn from me. You will never break a promise. You will never let me down. No matter what the circumstances or the situation, You will never cease to love me with a love that is far beyond the capabilities of any earthly being.

Father, You have given your very LIFE for me and I will give mine back to You – take it, Father. Remove my fear and my worries, my concerns that hold me back. Put me in spots where I must overcome what terrifies me most, so that I might bring glory to Your kingdom and shout Your name and proclaim the good news to those who have not even heard Your name.

“Jesus Christ,” I will shout to them, “has come to earth for you. The creator of the universe has suffered as you suffered, and knows all of your troubles. The controller of the universe cares for you and loves you with an unimaginable, unfathomable love, and you are redeemed in Him!” and You will be given the glory for it, my Father.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters,

wherever You would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

and my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.

Thank You, Father, for the millions of things we do not think to thank You for. Thank you for my sight and for my feelings, thank You for warmth on cold nights and love when I am feeling lonely. Thank you for these feet, that You may use them and send me out. Thank You for the display of Your power and might. You are so wonderful, Father, and I am so lacking without You.

Above all, thank You for loving me enough to die for me, enough to follow me through all the trials and successes of my life, and enough to never let me down or step away.

I love you, Father. You are my everything.

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Five Important Things I’ve Learned in my 23 Years

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Yesterday, I turned 23. I figure in that time, I might have learned a handful of lessons, and these handful of lessons might be worth sharing.

1. Lying never works out.

Simply put, it’s always easier to tell the truth. Sometimes what happens to you after you tell the truth sucks, but I’ve found that suffering the consequences right away and working to move past it is always better than suffering the guilt of lying (even if you never tell the truth and you’re never found out – you’ll always feel bad and you’ll always wished you’d ponied up way earlier).

So just tell the truth. You’ll feel better, and nothing is so bad that you can’t fix it or recover.

2. Music is important.

Not to everyone, but to me. It’s important to me. I wouldn’t want to go a whole day without it. I’ve learned not to deny myself simple pleasures such as listening to music at my desk – not when songs that I enjoy so much come on and I suddenly have an overwhelming feeling of ‘everything is going to be okay, and right now I’m happy’ simply because of a song (see ‘First of the Gang’ to Die by Morrissey first thing every morning).

Don’t deny yourself simple enjoyments such as that. Just don’t.

3. Your parents might be your best friends someday.

Not in a lame way. Not when you’re fifteen. But when you get older, you’re going to realize that you’re a lot like your parents (if you’re blessed to have solid parents that you get along well enough with) and that these parents of yours are worth listening to and spending time with.

Don’t brush them off because they’re your parents. Listen. Take their advice and put it into practice. Spend time with them. You’ll be better for it.

4. You could be your best friend someday.

So treat yourself right. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Enjoy time alone because if you can’t hang out with you – why expect anyone else to?

5. God is real.

God is real, God is alive, God is everywhere. God is all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present. God is amazing, enormous and scary. God is tender, understanding and kind.

God loves you more in the five minutes it takes you to read this than anyone else will in your entire lifetime.

So look into Him. Learn about Him. Love Him back.

It’s the best thing I’ve done in the past 23 years.

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The Search for the Perfect Church

Posted on by aelizabethfed

I’ve been on this search for… ever. Yes, since I’ve had the desire to attend church weekly, I’ve been searching for the perfect one. The best people, the best music, the amazingly uplifting and biblical message every Sunday, the most moving experience… and I’ve been wrong to do so.

I’ve been looking at church bass akwards. I’ve been looking at it from a ‘what can the church do for me?’ perspective instead of a ‘what can I do for the church?’ perspective and worst of all, I’ve looked at the church as a building instead of a group of followers.

This is stopping now. I moved home five months ago and have bounced from church to church, not ever feeling like I’ve found the right one. This is my fault, and not the fault of any church. Sure, some of them just haven’t been good fits, but I think my standards have been earthly and not Godly, and the right church has been there all along.

I grew up Catholic but quickly cast that aside in college when I decided to head the relationship road, shunning the ‘religious’ side, because nowadays, it isn’t cool or biblically ‘right’ to be religious.

That’s wrong, too. I am a religious person. I am a spiritual person. I have a personal relationship with Christ. YOU CAN DO THEM ALL. 

I’ve made no decisions as of yet, but something occurred to me this weekend. Instead of going to a church that I’ve been interested in (a non-denominational, worship-based church) with a good friend, I decided since my brother was home visiting for the weekend that I would go to church with him and my father.

And I decided that I would really listen, and so I did. Lord in heaven, am I glad I did. It’s like God opened up my eyes – like He removed the scales.

I listen to the subdued hymns instead of the loud worship music, and I saw that they have the exact same message – just delivered more traditionally. I listened to the homily and found that it carried the same weight as every lengthy message I’ve ever listened to from any pastor, just delivered in a more matter-of-fact, simple fashion from our priest. The message this week was this: even in the hardest times, there is Christ with you, and when you look to Him, you can get through anything.

That’s no different than a message you’ll hear in any other church. It was pulled biblically from Paul’s letters, just like it would be in any other church.

I was surrounded by a body  of believers and by my family and I felt at home. I felt at home in a way that I haven’t felt in any of these other non-denominational churches.

Maybe a traditional setting is what I’ve been looking for. Maybe I want to rededicate myself to Catholicism. I don’t yet know and I’m going to take the time to figure it out.

I don’t know. All I want to tell you is this: There is no perfect church, no perfect body, nothing. There is only a perfect God.

Love, Validation, Acceptance, Success

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Lets discuss our needs and how they’re met, a blog inspired by my church small group last night.

What are our basic needs? What do we need to have, or we’ll die? Easy. Food, water, shelter, clothing. I assume anyone with a wordpress blog is not having trouble meeting those basic needs, whether on a small or extravagant sale. Things get tight sometimes, interesting things pass for food on a tight budget, but we all have these basic needs.

What else do we need? What else do we, as citizens of this earth and humans, feel like we need? A short list:

1. Love

2. Validation

3. Acceptance

4. Success

I would say those are four big needs that we, especially adults, feel we need. And how do we go about getting those? My small group discussed it last night.

First of all, it’s perfectly normal, fine and acceptable to have these needs. We were given them by God when He made us humans, and He had a purpose for giving us these specific needs – I’ll get to that soon.

How do we find love? Most would say first, it’s from your parents. A lot of us find our first love from our parents. I know I did. Their love nurtured me and cared for me when I was little, and in many ways shaped me into the woman I am today. However, some aren’t so lucky. A friend last night told the story of a young woman who had never had parents who loved her, who had been forced home to home, and as she got older began looking for love in relationships with men – lots of men.

Did it meet her needs? Yes. For a time, her needs were met. Was she fulfilled and happy? Was she really finding that paternal love she was looking for? No.

How do we find validation? We want to be affirmed. We want someone to tell us we’re good at what we do, we’re worth while, we’re something. I personally go after this a lot from my friends. I never feel more validated than when someone is laughing at me because I want them to be. I love it when people tell me I’m funny, when they say I crack them up, when they tell other people how hilarious I am. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever known to make someone laugh until there are tears in their eyes. I feel important, like I’m fulfilling a purpose.

Other people seek this at their jobs from their boss, or from their significant other, friends, peers, etc. Is it okay to seek validation from these people?

In part.

How do we find acceptance? Nowadays, more than ever, it’s by following trends – or being ahead of them. (Following them ironically, maybe). I feel accepted when my friends compliment my outfit, or my glasses, or say my hair looks perfectly and purposefully disheveled. We find acceptance by going with the flow, by being one of a many of this world.

The small group I go to includes a lot of high schoolers. How did I find acceptance in high school? I wasn’t part of the cool crowd, but did a part of me want to be?

Yes. Behind every hipster going against the mainstream, there’s probably a kid who wanted to be hip in high school. (Get it?) I was no exception. Looking back, I’m glad I was who I was, and I’m glad I found my acceptance in a smaller but (if I do say so) better group of friends.

How do we find success? This, I think, depends on your age. If you’re in high school or college, it’s probably strongly based on grads and how many extra curricular activities you participate in.

Maybe it’s based on how attractive and smart your significant other is, or how nice your clothes are, how many friends you have or what kind of car you drive.

For adults, it’s often or always about the job. I can’t tell you how highly I’ve been praised for finding a good, full-time job right out of college. And it makes me feel good to get that praise – and I worked hard. It was a success, getting my job. Excelling at it and moving up the ladder will be even more success.

Is it enough? 

The short answer is… no. You will never have enough friends, enough love from earthly men or women, the best clothes, be the best at your job, have the most of everything. Someone is always better, someone always has more, you will never be the best – never.

Here is what I propose:

Do not search for love, acceptance, validation and success in earthly things. You will never be completely satisfied, wholly fulfilled. That is a guarantee that I will stamp and deliver to you, personally.

You know where I’m going to say you can find it. You can find all of these things and EVERY OTHER NEED YOU CAN THINK OF in Jesus Christ.

Why?

He created you – He created you because He wanted you, love and accepted you before you were YOU. Why does this matter? He’s perfect, almighty, all-knowing, wonderful. The most perfect being in existence loves you in the second you read this more than anyone else will love you in your lifetime – seek Him, run after Him, and find the fulfillment of love and acceptance.

My validation comes from the cross. This perfect being who loves me an unfathomable amount suffered torture and death on the cross FOR ME, with my name in His heart and on His mind, because He would rather bear the brunt of suffering than see me do it. I AM VALIDATED. I am someone. I am something.

What is my success? Pleasing my God. How do I do it? It’s easy, and don’t let anyone tell you different. I please Him by acknowledging Him in my daily life, in my actions. By taking a moment to think – how can I be more Christlike? before I act and speak. I please Him by spending quiet time with him, not just praying and reading His word, but listening to what H’e saying in return. I please Him the most by telling other people about Him and His great love and good news.

This is such a small overview of God’s amazing love and everything He gives to you when you surrender to Him. It would take me  years to write down all He has done for me. As John says in the gospel:

And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that should be written. -John 21:25

If you are not finding fulfillment, happiness, validation, success, or anything else you feel like you are needing and lacking – turn to God. If you aren’t sure how to do that, let me help. I’m always wary of putting personal information on the internet, but if one person reads this and has more questions about God that they don’t know where to go to for answers and I can help, I feel it’s my duty to do so.

E-mail me. It’s personal, between us. anna.fedoris@gmail.com Let me help, and be sure I will never judge you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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Self-Confidence (Issues)

Posted on by aelizabethfed

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Now you may not be able to tell it from the fact that in the above photo, I willingly saddled up on a large frog at the zoo and made that stupid face and gave that dumb thumbs up and then used this as my Facebook profile picture for months, but I suffer from a crippling lack of self-confidence.

I mean crippling, and I mean inwardly. You would probably never know it upon meeting with me. I’m not the girl who sits around complaining about how she looks. I’m the girl that, when all the other girls are nit-picking themselves, jokingly says something like, “Well I’m flawless and gorgeous all the time, no matter what, so I don’t really have anything to add” to ease the tension – but that’s only because I don’t want to discuss my flaws and my negative ideas of myself.

The list is too long, too overwhelming, and I don’t want to bog other people down or bore them with these issues. I never talk about it. I would be willing to bet most people think I find myself attractive. And they wouldn’t be all that wrong. I do think I’m a lovely young woman.

In fact, what prompted this blog was a long look I took at myself in the mirror just a little while ago – and I tried to list all the things I like about myself; sort of gave myself a peptalk.

“Anna, you are a lovely young woman. Your hair is soft and shiny and you’ve done so good, letting it grow to be so long when you usually cut it! You have big eyes that are a nice shade of blue or gray or whatever they are. People compliment your eyes and hair more than anything else! Hey, look at that neck, nice and sturdy, holding your noggin’ up! Go, head! Oh, and those hands — you haven’t bitten or cut your nails in weeks and they look nice! Your skin is pretty, and your freckles add character.”

But if that inner monologue was the opposite, completely negative, I could go on for ten pages and I could make myself cry – no, sob. And it all has to do with my weight.

I have never been a very thin girl. When I was younger I was thiner, but I’ve always been a little bigger. On top of that, I have a very sizeable chest. I might be, currently, at my lifetime biggest. (See above photo, which was taken not long ago).

I do try to be healthy. I try to eat right and get some exercise every day, and that’s a change I’ve made in the past few years, and it’s something I’m slowly integrating into my life. But what I haven’t been adding to my daily routine is self-confidence and self-love. I think far too much about my weight and my appearance and I put too much weight (pun intended) on my outer-worth instead of my inner.

So that’s something I really need to change, and there are a few ways I’m going to do this.

1. Be healthy – to FEEL healthy. I have a condition call pseudotumor cerebri (google it), and basically there is extra fluid in my brain that makes my optic nerves swell. The first way to treat it is loose weight, which I’ve been trying. I want to get healthy for this reason more than anything else. And that really comes down to small choices throughout the day. Talking a walk after work instead of sitting down because I’m tired, keeping better snacks in my office, no cream cheese on my bagel in the morning… Small things that will build up to change my entire health-outlook, and I will FEEL better, no matter how I LOOK.

2. STOP TELLING MYSELF I AM SINGLE BECAUSE I AM UNATTRACTIVE. First of all, I’m not unattractive. I’m a nice-looking young lady. Someday someone is going to notice that but further more, they’re going to look at my super-hot brain and fall in love with that. And that brain is going to last a lot longer than this body.

3. Find my identity and worth in Christ, and not in my appearance. I won’t say anything cheesy like “I am made in His image”, because that’s an excuse people use to never exercise and eat whatever they want. God gave us these bodies to go and do His work, and we need to treat them like the gift they are. What I will say is that when I worry so much about what I look like, I’m mostly worrying about what other people think of me. That simply doesn’t matter, and that is the way of this world. God does not look at my outward appearance, but my heart. If I spent as much time worrying about my heart as I do about my flabby stomach or thighs, I would be doing SO MUCH MORE awesome work for God while I’m here on earth. That’s a change worth making.

It’s not as simple as I’m making it seem and I know that. I think my last step, number four, is to tell someone my concerns. I need to tell my best friend that most days, I believe I’m single because of how I look, if for nothing else but to have her tell me that isn’t the truth at all (not because I am a foxy mama, but because the right guy will not care) – sometimes, it’s easier to believe other people than it is to believe yourself.

I know self-confidence is a long journey. Any woman with an awesome opinion about herself will tell you that it takes forever and it isn’t a constant thing, but I do believe that firmly placing myself in Christ’s identity and looking at myself through His eyes and through His plan for me is the best and surest place to start.

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